Saturday, December 04, 2004

Now clap your hand everybody, and everybody clap your hands

Continuation of the previous, boyee

A Trip Through Greg's Movies, Pt. 2: VHS 1

1. Back to the Future, Part III -- McFly you bojo, those boards don't work on water...unless you got POWAH. Yeah, I know that quote is actually from BTTF2, but I can't think of anything interesting to say about it. Mary Steenburgen is in this movie, and also in Joan of Arcadia. Tom Wilson is in this movie and Freaks and Geeks.

2. Beetlejuice -- In the movie himself they spell his name Betelguise, like the star, but in the title of the movie they spell it Beetlejuice. I guess they thought the viewing public couldn't handle it. By the way, Lydia was hot for a goth chick. By the by the way, Shake shake shake senora. An entirely Harry Belafonte soundtrack to a movie about a weird ghost who terrorizes other, nice ghosts seems like a dicey proposition, but it works out.

3. Being John Malkovich -- Upcoming Sequel: Being Patrick Huber. I heard it's mostly about Palmerston and the third season of Boston Public, though. Also, marijuana.

4. Better Off Dead -- This movie rocks.

5. Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey -- Most non-non triumphant. Death in this movie is so awesome. "what about my butt? I work out all the time". The cartoon version of the Bill and Ted show was pretty terrible. Actually, as I sit right now, I am looking at a Bill and Ted comic book that my brother and I had a long time ago. Don't remember how we got it, but in this issue, Bill and Ted are brought before the council of time on trial for altering events that happened in the past. It's so terrible that it's indispensable. I won't spoil the ending for you.

6. Bowfinger -- Honestly I can't say why I own this movie or how I ever obtained it. I can however say that it is a fairly mediocre but pretty funny movie, and that Heather Graham is hot in it. All things considered, I would rank this Heather Graham's second best movie, behind License to Drive, starring Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. More on the Haimster and the Feldster will come in a later post on Big Wolf on Campus, perhaps. I guess I should say I've never seen Boogie Nights, so it's probably better than this movie. Corey Feldman's best movie: Rock and Roll High School Forever. Corey Haim's best movie: Just One of the Girls. Cory Hoogaker's best movie: Scramble Squares Challenge, the Motion Picture.

7. Can't Hardly Wait -- I've discussed this movie a little bit before in a very early post. Top 3 Characters in Can't Hardly wait: 1. Kenny 2. Mike Dexter 3. Preston. "So he's normal height, has curly hair, but not really curly, and he sometimes wears t-shirts" "yeah, but he's Preston. PRESTON". JLH has a huge forehead. Kind of unrelated, I guess, but it is true. Ever since I saw this movie, I always wonder whether Mandy was really about Barry Manilow's dog. I guess it probably isn't. Actually, it's probably an exaggeration to say I ALWAYS wonder. Mike Lee likes this move more than I do.

8. Chinatown -- It's tough for me to discuss a movie I seriously enjoy. I'll just say that I think it's a great movie. Fun Fact about Jack Nicholson: He always plays the same character in every movie. Worst Jack Nicholson movie: tie between Wolf and Anger Management. Worst Adam Sandler movie: Little Nicky (barely beats Mr. Deeds, and I never saw 8 Crazy Nights). Worst Patricia Arquette movie: Stigmata. Fun fact about Stigmata: Once we had a whole night at my high school youth ministry talking about how this movie was degrading to the Catholic church. They showed a bunch of clips from movies "degrading" to the Catholic church. One of the clips was from I Know What You Did Last Summer, where somebody gets killed in a confession booth. I think some people in the Catholic church mayhaps take JLH movies a bit too seriously.

9. Dawn of the Dead -- Originally my VHS copy of this was stolen from Zack, but eventually I gave him back his copy and bought my own. My favorite part of Dawn of the Dead is the part where it implies somebody is going to kill themselves by decapitating themselves with a helicopter propellor. Too bad they chickened out. I heard in the original version they went through with it, but the studio thought it was too bleak so they made em change it. Tangentially related story from my childhood: once I had a nightmare in my childhood where somebody killed me by decapitating me with the propellor of a remote-controlled helicopter. Another childhood dream I remember: I was at a costume party dressed up like a flamingo, and we were on the upstairs of a house, by a balcony. Somebody put out their hand for me to shake, as they were introducing themselves, and I had no hands, b/c I was a flamingo, so I pecked their hand with my beak, but I pecked too hard and they fell of the balcony and died. It freaked me out when I was a kid...

10. Do the Right Thing -- This is the only movie which I own but I've never actually seen. I got it for 3 bux at Plan 9, and I've just never gotten around to watching it. Therefore, I will talk about another Rosie Perez movie, White Men Can't Jump. Hey man, just because a title of a movie is a racist comment against white people doesn't make it okay. I can too jump. Man, that movie sucks.

11. Election -- This is the best movie ever made by all the people involved in it. I never understood how Reese Witherspoon and Chris Klein could be so good in this movie and so terrible in everything else. "I also like bananas". Fun fact about Reese Witherspoon: She has a freaky name. Actually I just looked it up and her real first name is Laura. Still, Witherspoon is a weirdo last name. To be fair to Reese, she was okay in Pleasantville too, another movie hated by the Catholic Church. Hehehe, Reese was once in a movie called "Desparate Choices: To Save My Child", in which she plays a young woman dying of leukemia. If you like this movie, IMDB Recommends: The Summer My Father Grew Up.

12. Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, The Good The Bad and the Ugly -- A three pack of Clint movies I bought for cheap at CostCo. In my opinion, CostCo is a funny name for a store, since cost is what you try to avoid when going to a store. Like naming a pet store BiteCo, or a gun company Accidental Homicide Co. Okay, not EXACTLY like that, but I still think it's a stupid name.

13. Get Over It -- Another one I've talked about before. Two worst actors of all time: Colin Hanks & Sisqo (aka "Crazy Legs") are tied. Fun fact about Sisqo: His name is a homonym of two companies. Fun fact about Sysco: I bought stock in it in my high school economics class' stock game. Fun Fact about Econ: My teacher, Coach Williams, pronounced Valentines Day as Valentimes Day. Favorite method of determining percentage change in real GDP: Chain-linked.

14. Ghostbusters -- For the record, I don't think "Ghostbusters" and "I Want a New Drug" really sound THAT similar to each other. Top 4 Ghostbusters: 1. Venkman 2. Winston 3. Egon 4. Ray. Top 2 Agents of Zuul: 1. Keymaster, 2. Gatekeeper. "Yes it's true, this man has no penis". To me, at least, Annie Potts looks totally different in this movie, and in her other roles. Annie Potts is horribly miscast in Pretty in Pink. Its hard to believe that Annie Potts is so unnapreciated and gets very little recognition. She is one of Tv's most brilliant actresses. From Designing Women to Any Day Now---------Annie Potts is a gifted actress and her presence is very charming and warm. I have no doubt that like her charactars, Ms Potts is a wonderful person as well. I hope she has a lot more planned, I love watching her act. Actually, I copied most of that from a post on the Annie Potts message board on IMDB. Although I do love me some Designing Women.

15. Glengarry Glen Ross -- Fun thing to count: Which is said more in Glengarry Glen Ross, some variant of the f-word, or some variant of the word "leads"? I have no idea what the answer is, by the way, but both have to average more than once a minute or two. Alec Baldwin is absolutely genius in this movie. "You know what you gotta have to make it in this business? Brass balls" "Coffee is for closers". When I went to Chicago and saw Second City perform, they did a parody of Glass Menagerie, as if it were written by Glengarry-era David Mamet. In the interest of looking out for the children, I probably shouldn't repeat.

16. Gremlins 2 -- I must have seen this movie a million times, and I still think it rocks. Tony Randall as the Brain Gremlin is so so genius. This is one of the weirdest, most madcap movies I've ever seen. Leonard Maltin's cameo: GENIUS. Hulk Hogan: GENIUS. The version I have though, is the John Wayne version, which is okay but not as good as the Hogan one. The tagline for this movie is "Here they grow again" which is an absolutely awful pun. I really don't know how they got from Gremlins 1 to this movie, which I think is much better than the original. Not much to say about this movie, because like I said I've seen it a million times, and I already have come to accept that it is amazing. Probably in the top 10 of all time.

17. High Fidelity -- In honor of High Fidelity:
Top 2 least favorite songs of all time
1. I'll Be Missing You
2. Jingle Bell Rock

18. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka -- Ah, the Wayans brothers. Worst movie of all time featuring a Wayans Brother: Senseless, among those which I've seen. Least Favorite Wayans Brother: Sean...he's so pointless. Best Wayans Brother: Damon ("Hated it!" and Homey the clown...tough to beat). Best movie featuring a Wayans brother: Hollywood Shuffle. Since I don't own Hollywood Shuffle I want to talk about it now. Robert Townsend's finest moment. Winky Dinky Dogs. Black Film Critics. Etc. Watch this movie, if you possibly can.
Worst movie featuring both a Wayans brother and a cast member on Freaks and Geeks: White Chicks. Worst movie featuring a cast member of F&G but no Wayans brothers: Slackers. Best movie featuring a cast member of F&G but no Wayans brothers: Spiderman 2. Better Acting Family, Wayans or Baldwins: Baldwins, if I am allowed to count Celebrity Mole in the mix. Best Host of The Mole who was also a CNN Anchor: Anderson Cooper.
Okay, this has got to stop, and it has to stop now.

Exactly halfway done, next half later.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

aarrghh, it's cheesasaurus rex

Today's post is the first of an n-part series that may or may not ever be completed. This series explores all the movies that I own. I'll list them with a comment for each one. I've been meaning to do a movie post for a while and this gives me a good excuse to do that while simultaneously giving me a chance to make fun of myself. The parts where I analyze my VHS tapes will probably be more fun because the tapes I own are a lot more random than the DVD's. But anyways, on to part one!


1. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimention -- Man, oh man, this movie rocks so hard. Starring Peter Weller (aka Robocop), Jeff Goldblum, John Lithgow, Ellen Barkin, and Christopher Lloyd. The lead user comment on IMDB is "If you are looking for a predictable film, do not watch this". Very accurate. Hard to follow with many random plot twists and nonsensical plot points, but still an awesome awesome movie. Bonus: there's some whole weird subculture built around this movie, talking about how the events in the movie are real, etc. (tongue in cheek, of course) and the commentary of this movie panders to that crowd very muchly. GREG'S RATING: 5 stars out of 5 for the movie, 5 stars out of 5 for the DVD

2. Amelie -- Fun Fact about Audrey Tautou: She's my second favorite Audrey ever. I bought this movie right after it first came out on DVD. Good movie, I enjoyed it...maybe not a great purchase, but I'm not ashamed to have it part of my collection. Nothing funny or incisive to say about this movie so on to.... GREG'S RATING: 3.5/5 for the movie, 3/5 for the DVD

3. Best in Show -- Pass. GREG'S RATING: 4/5 for the movie, 3/5 for the DVD which features possibly the most boring commentary track I've heard on a movie this funny. If only pH were somehow involved in the production of this commentary it would have come out better.

4. Big Fish -- My mom's book group read this book and everybody hated it. It's sad that upper middle class, middle aged women can't handle a little variety. I never read it myself but this was Tim Burton's first really good movie in a long time. Hopefully his Willy Wonka movie starring Johnny Depp continues that trend, if one movie can in fact be considered a trend. The DVD itself has pretty packaging and nice extras... GREG'S RATING: 4/5 for the movie, 5/5 for the DVD

5. Blade Runner (Director's Cut) -- More like Dull Surface Moving Slowly, am i rite? Good movie based on a Philip K. Dick book. For some reason that only Matthew J. Fanoe can possibly divine, my dad gave this to me for my college graduation. It really is a good movie though, even though it is famous for having a stupid DVD version, and I must say that fame hold up to be true. I like the part of this movie where he ices the stripper robot, that part rocks... GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie, 3.5/5 for the DVD the movie really does deserve better

6. Breakfast at Tiffanys -- The first of too many Audrey movies on the list...I will reserve my comments on Audrey for the Roman Holiday comment. Some men would be ashamed to own this movie, but not me damnit. Once I played this movie for Claudine and she cried so hard, it was hilarious. Mind you, I don't normally get enjoyment from women crying, it's not my thing. But still, maybe you had to be there but it was funny... GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD

7. Bull Durham -- I just realized that I own a hell of a lot of 'B' movies...I don't mean sci-fi movies of low production value, I just mean movies whose title begins with the letter B. I don't want to talk about this movie, so I'm going to have a Recliner of Rage like discussion of fruit snacks. By the way, yes I am comfortable and furious.
My favorite kind of Fruit Snack is Chiquita fruit snacks. They combine a delicious real fruit taste of bananas with various other fruits such as oranges. However, they appear to have been discontinued or at least they stopped selling them at the Publix and Kroger near me. That's okay, I'm not greedy, so I moved on to Hi-C fruit snacks. Hi-C fruit snacks feature pieces which are flavored and shaped like certain fruits. For example, the pieces that taste like grapes are shaped like grapes. My favorite is Cherry. However, they have taken cherry out of the Hi-C fruit snacks. This is outrageous! Bottom line: Get back Chiquita fruit snacks and put cherry back in the Hi-C.
GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie and the DVD which features a fun commentary track.

8. Castle in the Sky -- A Hayao Miyazaki joint. I wish I had more funny things to say about these movies but I don't own many funny DVD's, in general. Fun Fact: No Scrabble playable words (ie 15 or fewer letters) contain all the letters in CASTLESKY. 2 common words contain all the letters in CASTLEINTHE. Can you come up with either? Answer appears at end of article.
GREG'S RATING: 4.5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD which features an absolutely pointless second disk with storyboards.

9. Charade -- Most of you, I would suspect, have never heard of this movie. It's got Audrey and Cary Grant and is a pretty good Hitchcock like suspence piece. Of course it should be obvious why I own this movie...GREG'S RATING: 3.75/5 for the movie, 3/5 for the DVD

10. Dark City -- The guy in this movie, Rufus Sewell has weird looking eyes. Kiefer Sutherland is really weird in this movie. Two pointless but true facts. Another pointless but true fact: the aliens in this movie looks cool. Also this was Roger Ebert's number one movie of the year, in the year it came out. Pointless but true facts about Roger Ebert: he's fat, and his reviews make no sense and occasionally give away way too many plot details, but are usually pretty entertaining. For a good laugh, read his review of Looney Toons: Back in Action. He's right about this movie though... GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie and DVD which features a full length commentary from Roger Ebert, dissecting every scene. Weird.

11. The Dinner Game -- This and Amelie are the only 2 non-animated foreign films I own. This is another movie that I suspect most of you wouldn't have heard of but it is very very funny. French people make good toast and good fries and occasionally, good comedies. This is one of those 3...GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD which is very bare-bones.

12. Direct from Brooklyn: They Might Be Giants Video Collection -- A collection of all the videos TMBG have ever made most of which are like Steve's laugh (aka insane). Like their music itself though, entertaining in a bizarre way. GREG'S RATING: 4/5 for the DVD. The videos are mostly good but there aren't a ton of them.

13. Director's Series: Michel Gondry
14. Director's Series: Spike Jonze -- combining these two into one comment. Lots of fun music videos on these two 'Everlong', 'Cannonball', 'Buddy Holly', 'Praise You', 'Come into My World', 'Fell in Love With a Girl', and the least repetitive song ever 'Around the World'. Funny Daft Punk-related exchange:
JP: "So what kind of music do you like"
Adam Claar's Sister: "You know all kinds of stuff, blah, blah, blah"
JP: "Do you like techno"
ACS: "Some of it, but I don't like the really repetitive stuff, it's annoying"
JP: "Oh man, you must hate Daft Punk"
ACS: "Oh no, I love Daft Punk"
There you have it, from Adam Claar's sister's mouth to your brain, Daft Punk is not repetitive techno. GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for Gondry, 4.5/5 for Jonze.

15. Freaks and Geeks: The Complete Series -- Great show with a great cast. Fun Fact about Rich: My best friend Rich looks and acts just like Bill Haverchuk in Freaks and Geeks. Fun fact about Freaks and Geeks: Linda Cardellini, who play Lindsay on the show, is hot (according to Andrew: it's fun, and it is most DEFINITELY a fact). Fun Fact about Linda Cardellini was also on a couple episode of Boy Meets World. She plays a ski instructor who kisses Corey and writes him a love note which causes Corey and Topanga to be broken up for almost a whole season. Fun Fact about Topanga: I named my town in Animal Crossing after her. Fun Fact about Animal Crossing: I've ignored my town for almost a whole month and it's overrun with weeds. I could keep going on with a train of fun facts but I should probably stop. GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the DVD.

16. Funny Face -- Fun Fact about Audrey: I like her. Musical starring Audrey and Fred Astaire. For some reason Audrey is almost always paired with much older men in her movies. Again, saving the Audrey comments for later...GREG'S RATING: 4/5 for the movie and DVD.

17. Gigantic: A Tale of Two Johns -- A documentary about They Might Be Giants. The best part of this documentary is the random interview with Frank Black. I mean the interview itself isn't bad, but why interview Frank Black, of all people? Also, this one dumb teen girl goes to a CD signing by TMBG and starts bawling with joy. I guess I do gain pleasure out of watching women cry, after all...GREG'S RATING: 4/5 for the movie, 5/5 for the DVD which is packed with extras, including one performance of 'Particle Man' where the only percussion is a metronome put up on a stool with a microphone up to it.

18. Grave of the Fireflies -- This is an animated movie, but it is probably one of the saddest movies I've ever seen. I hate to keep bringing up Scrabble (actually I love it) but I'm watching a game as I write this right now, and somebody just played lwei prounounced lway, which is a funny word in my opinion. Fun Fact about pronunciations: according to my high school vocab book, the word sangfroid is pronounced san-frwa. frwa is a very awkward syllable to pronounce, at least in my opinion. The extras on this movie include an interview with Roger Ebert. Roger Ebert is funny to watch in person because he looks and talks weird. Roger Ebert is a strange strange man. Not unlike Merton Dingle...GREG'S RATING: 4.5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD because Ebert scares me.

19. Home Movies: The Complete First Season -- Squigglevision! Cartoon Improv! This is the best show cancelled by UPN after 5 or fewer episodes except for The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, and possibly Diresta. GREG'S RATING: 4.5/5 for the DVD

20. Identity -- Not much to say about this movie, my parents got it for me for Christmas for some reason. It is a pretty good movie. GREG'S RATING: 3.5/5 for the movie and DVD.

21. Kiki's Delivery Service -- Best movie featuring the voice of Kirsten Dunst except possibly for Get Over It, althouth of course Get Over It features the bodily presence of Kirsten in addition to her voice. Okay, I admit it, I'm a woman, at least when it comes to taste in movies. Hey, it is so wrong for a normal, heterosexual male to like "cute" movies like Kiki's Delivery Service, to love Audrey Hepburn to a borderline obsession, and to enjoy Richard Curtis romantic comedies. Yes, yes it is, but I can't help what I love, baby. This movie is "cute" as hell and I love it, even though it has no real plot or conflict. Don't take the fact that I call this movie "cute" to imply that I am a pedophile, which I most certainly am not. GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD which also has the pointless storyboard disk.

22. Mr. Show: The Complete First and Second Seasons
23. Mr. Show: The Complete Third Season
24. Mr. Show: The Complete Fourth Season -- I never watched Mr. Show when it was on the air (no HBO, y'all), and I just bought the first DVD on a whim and loved it, so I bought the other ones to go along with it. Fun Fact about Mr. Show cast members: Tom Kenny who is on this show is one of the most popular voice actors of today, voicing Spongebob Squarepants, the narrator on Powerpuff Girls, among many others. Fun Fact about the Powerpuff Girls: My younger bro Andrew and I went to see this movie on the Fourth of July and we were the only people in the theater who did not have a girl aged 15 or younger in their part. GREG'S RATING: 3.5/5 for 1st and 2nd seasons which are a little spotty in my opinion, 5/5 for season 3, and 4.5/5 for season 4.

25. My Fair Lady -- Holds a special place in my heart, because this was the first Audrey movie I saw. By the way, the fact that I own My Fair Lady on DVD does not obstruct my masculinity in case you were wondering. RATING: 4.5/5 for movie, 3.5/5 for the DVD...the newer special edition version is probably better.

26. Paris When it Sizzles -- This movie has a hilarious title, as I'm sure you can tell. This is widely proclaimed as one of Audrey's very worst movies, and is the only movie that Audrey herself admitted sucked. Okay, it is pretty bad. So why do I own it? Easy, I am an idiot!...GREG'S RATING: 2/5 for the movie and DVD.

27. Roman Holiday -- Okay, Roman Holiday is my favorite movie of all time. Audrey, Audrey, Audrey, what can I say about her? I love Audrey, I think she's a great actress and she's very pretty. Her eyes, her hair, her neck, her voice, her acting, yes, even her fashion. Audrey has the biggest, most expressive eyes of any woman I've seen in film except for maybe Anne Hathaway. I'll watch pretty much any movie Audrey is in. I own a lot of them...okay I know that Audrey Hepburn is like a "woman's" icon, etc. but I don't think it's too bad for a guy to like her, right? Right? I think that liking Audrey would be construed as un-masculine...well it probably is. The whole concept of myself as a male human, at least when it comes to taste in movies was destroyed long ago, so I don't pay attention to that stuff. You know, there was a time when I had a real 'edge', I hated romantic comedies, loved male movies and probably would have hated Roman Holiday if I had seen or even heard of it. You know what, I lost my edge, I don't know how, but Audrey probably had a lot to do with it. Fun Fact about romantic comedies: you'd think that liking romantic comedies would help you get women, but it doesn't. Fun Fact about women: Ask a woman what she looks for in a man and 75% of the time one of the first couple things she says is 'sense of humor'. That IS a lie, women don't care about sense of humor, it's a nice plus for them to have in a guy but they aren't attracted to a guy because he's funny, believe just makes them want to be friends with him. Damn you, friend zone. Whoa, this is a hella long comment so I'll wrap it up...GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie and DVD, natch.

28. The Simpson's: The Complete Fourth Season -- Ah, what can I say about the Simpson's that has not been said yet? Perhaps, I could say that this show is hot like John Neff (see last column). I doubt anybody has said that before. Maybe I could say it's like the joy of ten Cheesasarus Rexes singing to you at once. The fourth season of the Simpsons was the best season, and almost attains the heights achieved by Boy Meets World, but not quite. Fun Fact about Boy Meets World: The best era of the show is the era right before Corey and Topanga started dating. The second best era is after they get to college but before they get married. Fun Fact about weddings: Erin and Jonathan's is 575 days away. Fun Fact about Erin: her sister is tall. Fun Fact about Fun Fact Chains: I like them...GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the DVD.

29. Upright Citizens Brigade: The Complete First Season -- "You thought the millenium falcon was a bird", "You stick pennies up your ass for confidence, that is not having it together", "What the hell? What does that even mean without 'in bed' at the end of it", "Man, I'm so sick of all these Cats, the movie", " 'Why does this house even have a sexy chick's room?' -- 'Actually, it's a hot chicks room' "...GREG'S RATING: 4.5/5 for the DVD - the commentaries are funny but if they had more this might be a 5. I hope they release the later seasons.

30. Waiting for Guffman -- Not much to say about the 2 Chris Guest movies I own, I think they are funny and that's that. Bad acting never gets old, baby. You'd think it would, but it doesn't. This move has a really boring commentary too...GREG'S RATING: 5/5 for the movie, 4/5 for the DVD.

31. Weekend at Bernies -- I got this movie for free by ordering my pizza at Papa John's, true story. Fun Fact about Weekend at Bernies: This movie was featured in my second 24 hour movie marathon b/c it has Andrew McCarthy, who was in the Brat Pack. No more fun facts, my brain is tired...GREG'S RATING: 2.5/5 for the movie, I've never watched the DVD but assume it's extremely barebones.

2 Common Scrabble-playable words that contain the letters CASTLEINTHE: Anesthetically and technicalities. In addition there are two uncommon words: Anticholesterol and Kinesthetically. How did I know this? I downloaded Lexpert, which I highly recommend for anybody with an interest in Scrabble or in words in general.

Next parts coming up later? Maybe...